I haven't hurt anyone before. And I don't even know if I can. I will find out.

It all started with a child. Who is having children today? Money for consultations, ultrasounds, money for doctors, nurses, money for nutritional supplements with impossible names, money, money, money. The child was not mine, it was a friend's. Actually, the baby wasn't even there yet—he was supposed to be—and this friend came over and took me to buy something for the baby right at AIkea. I went, what should I do?

On the way I asked Paul what he's buying, cot, furniture, he said no, he's getting a nanny.

- What nanny, me, nanny-nanny?

— Yes, that's right, nanny from AIkea, you assemble it at home.

He told me that I'm so aerial, that I live under the bed, I'm not aware of what's going on, that AIkea has partnered with the Robotics Institute and now they have a new product. Why don't you inform yourself? he asked me.

Anyway, I got the nanny, helped him get some more boxes (quite heavy), took them to his house and went to live under the bed, as he said.

A few days later Paul took me to a bar to celebrate the birth of his baby (Why don't you get one from Aikea? I felt like telling him) and I just can't miss it. As if I was important for the birth of the child. But I thought I'm important to him or so it seems, maybe he doesn't have anyone to drink with and I'll just stand there and make him feel good, listen to him brag and get excited at the thought a descendant.

At the entrance, they gave us a whitish drink from the house - a shot, a bit oily and with a rough taste - yap over my head. And we started laughing like fools.

- What are you drinking?

I wasn't sure how hostilities go, a cognac, something to start with, I told him.

- Oh, well, you don't drink alcohol here, Paul told me. Natural juices and coffees. Slow down.

Has she gone Adventist or is she on the organic stuff, what do they call it, vegans, yes, vegans, they sound like they're from another planet, please. I had a coffee (also with a horrible taste) and laughed like fools again.

"You haven't been here before, have you?" Paul asked me.

- Where?

— At the Smile pub, that's what he calls it, it's a bar with a good mood, but lighter, it's different from Hohot or Laugh, there your belly hurts from laughing, you only go if you want to make it big, here you're more relaxed, more keep talking, one, another.

"What kind of bar is this?" I asked him.

And he told me the thing about living under the bed, that I'm torn by what's happening in the city, that this is how the bars are now, you go to destresezi, alcohol is no longer sold except in places where depressed people come, society has evolved, instead of going to a psychologist, you enter the first bar and start laughing. Well, are you leaving me?! It will be true that I stayed under the bed. I laughed there like I haven't laughed since I learned to laugh. Great thing about this bar. I even laughed on the way home, I didn't know why, but I did. It was as if I had learned to laugh then.

After a while I woke up with Paul at the door. He always came to me with you wonder what object and put it in my arms. You take it, he used to tell me. I had filled the studio with things from Paul, but I didn't mind because he came with interesting items. He had brought me a table and an old armchair. They got me well. The rest, electronic stuff, two bikes and bags full of everything. After that he told me to massage his forehead and neck, he said I have golden hands, I take his pain like a tube of medicine. I was massaging him, I knew he was enjoying it.

This time the nanny brought me, so I should take her, keep her until she finds something to sell, because his wife didn't agree, she said she wanted to raise her child alone and, besides , he is afraid of her. So what, is she ugly? I told him. No, me, but he doesn't trust you, you know how women are, jealous and on their shadow. I took it, if that's what he wanted.

I assembled her all evening, it wasn't much but I was meticulous, I liked to touch her and before I gave her on, I watched Kvinna for half an hour, because that's what it said on the box. What are the names of these from AIkea, you can't even turn them into diminutives, a nickname, something, nothing. They are not aunties at all, instead they know how to make things for aunties and sell them. How to sell a product called Kvinna in the market or on the street in Romania? We have fresh Kvinna! Kvinna fff sweet!

In the package were a dress, a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. I didn't know her and I didn't want to get involved in a relationship that started with wild carnal pleasure like I would have liked. I was ashamed to leave her undressed, although I would have, but she was Paul's child's nanny, so I dressed her, placed her in an armchair, and put a cigarette between her fingers. Besides, I'm very shy.

It was like in the movies. A Swede whose age you couldn't tell, with discreet make-up, with the shapes of an Italian woman and the look of a French woman. A get-beget woman, with whom I would have run even to Somalia if she had been alive. She was alone, at my disposal, naked under her tight, sunflower-yellow dress. Blonde.

That was the nanny. What would a mistress look like? I went to bed thinking about her.

The next day I asked Paul why he brought the nanny to me and he said he knew I was lonely and maybe I needed a housekeeper or just company.

- Did you take it apart, put it back together? I asked him.

- Yes, he told me. My wife hit me in the head, she wouldn't even let me turn it on, because what, she needs a replacement, that's nanny, she said, it's like Zeus's daughter with Monica Bellucci, leave me alone to stay. And what should I do? She has to give birth and I don't want to upset her.

"Listen," I said, "how does he know she's a whore?"

- Eee, said the jealousy in her, as if I had messed with a doll, to risk my stupid life in the subway. She's a nanny, she has a schedule to raise children, she's a housekeeper, she knows I-don't-know-how-many languages ​​and she cooks, you can upgrade her with recipes from the net. She's… a serious woman, don't think nonsense, I don't even think she's programmed for that. She is specially made, sexless, like baby dolls, smooth between the legs.

- I didn't know, I told him. I knew, I had looked, it was the first thing I had done, but I didn't tell him. And it wasn't quite as he had said, "smooth." Paul left after I massaged his forehead for a quarter of an hour to de-stress. I think that's why he kept coming to me, because I was good at massage, I don't know where, it was in my blood.

What should I do with the nanny of Paul's unborn child? Sure, I put it to work. And I'm not turning it into a fetish, I have to live my life. That's what I thought, but it wasn't to be.

I was looking at her like a fool, as she sat in the armchair with a cigarette in her hand. Do you want a fire, doll? I wanted to tell him. She was beautiful. But cold. Inert. I could barely resist turning it on.

And I fell asleep thinking about her.

The next day I asked her if she wanted a coffee. I also gave her some, so she could have a cigarette, but I drank it myself. She didn't seem to mind the smoke, but I opened the window anyway. In vain, the smoke was at home. The window was too small. I had to open the door, but I didn't want anyone to see me.

- You know what, I told him, I'm a lonely guy, I don't know what you want in my life, don't get me wrong if I say I don't want to have a relationship, I like you, but I don't think we can have a common future. You are sociable, I am not.

I felt he didn't understand me.

— Of course you'll want to go to the clubs, drink our coffee on Dorobanti, eat in the Old Center and go to stand-up shows. I went with Paul, but I can't tell you that I was impressed. I'll go with you just because you want me to, but I won't feel good. You like life, you love the moment, I don't adapt to faces at all. You're going to want stilettos, a blazer from Paris and all the new collection skirts, or I'm not the one to give you that. You will want a house with a living room, a big yard where you can have begonias and a bichon that you will call Piki. I would like a house too, but I don't have pretensions like you. In addition, I want a Great Dane, that is, a wolf dog, trained, that barks when needed.

When will AIkea make a dog out of this? I thought.

- You know what I mean? You are beautiful, too beautiful for this century, I am a misunderstood guy. Any man would want you and I think you'd run away from me in the first Audi TT that pulled up next to you. Was the coffee good? See? You don't like the coffee I made either. You don't like anything from Lidl, where they have promotions, you want in the market at Cotroceni, at the freshly ground coffee shop, where they have various flavors. Eh, you should know that I don't like flavored coffee, even Jacobs is not to my taste, I like plain coffee, with sugar, without milk, without cream. And I don't like cappuccinos either, so leave me with your grown-up chick figures in the center.

I was irritated. Women always want something, they always have an arrangement plan, a style plan, as many unnecessary purchases as possible. I think I was really nervous.

- Know something? I think Paul's wife was right when she called you a whore, the way you look you can't be anything else, leave me alone with your figures. OK bye.

I left. What does the fool think, that she does what she wants with me? To see her fake nails and her plastic eyelashes and all her fakeness. I don't know where I went and what I did.

I came back feeling guilty. We had known each other for a few days and had already been through our first fight.

"I don't think our relationship will last," I told him. You are much more knowledgeable than me and your aspirations are different. Of course you want a child, I'm not even thinking about such a thing, I'm just at the beginning. You'll want us to cook together, help you shop, cuddle, but I don't even know what I want from life. You will draw me into your concrete space, where everything is well defined, you will lend me your dreams and I will not have time to build mine. You'll always want something from me, and I won't be able to give it to you. Not because I don't want to, but because I have to follow my still undefined path. Do you understand that we are at a relational impasse?

I didn't know if he understood. Maybe I was catching a cold.

— What I like most about you is that you keep quiet, you don't contradict me, and from this I deduce that you understand what I'm telling you. It is good to discuss what we are thinking, to understand each other, so that we don't have any surprises during our time together. Dialogue saves a relationship, heals it. I'm glad you agree. Come on, put out that cigarette and let's go to bed. Good night!

The next day, knock on the wall door.

- I brought you something, Paul said to me, arrived just in time. My wife said you should keep it for a few months, until the child is older.

- What is this? I asked him.

— Apricot. (Did he get it from AIkea too?) Piki calls him. You take care of him, because I don't get along with my wife anymore, she was also sorry, but there's nothing we can do, the baby is sensitive in the first months and we'd better give up Piki for a while. Come on you can handle it.

He tapped me on the shoulder. I haven't de-stressed him. He was in a hurry.

This Paul is going to bring me his wife too if he doesn't like her after she gives birth. Some are like that, they think only of themselves, of their own good, and in the name of an ancestral friendship they call upon you for all kinds of favors, and you, in the name of the same friendship, comply, even if you don't like it. Paul's definition of friendship contains the word help, but not reciprocity. Paul ate my time with Kvinna, now he came with his little girl. The day barks and the night purrs. Good thing at least it doesn't leave hair. She looks at me with eyes that make me want to take her for my wife, please, or for a man, because I still don't know if she's a dog or a cat, or a monkey, or a baby raptor. It has a little bit of everything. I take it out only once, in the evening, outside, five minutes and I'm gone. Paul brings me food. I do not care. But my thoughts are still occupied by the animal and I can't see my own.

I kind of neglected Kvinna. I smoke another cigarette with her in the morning with coffee. It annoys me that he agrees too much with everything I say. It seems a bit personalityless. If I tell him how beautiful it is outside, he doesn't say anything. The same if I tell him it's raining. I tell her she is the most beautiful being and she is speechless. I tell her that she's a little slow-witted and doesn't comment. I have to turn it on.

One day I sat for about twenty minutes with my finger on the power button. But Paul came and took me to a restaurant. Her baby had been born and she was in full swing.

I don't remember exactly where I was, but I remembered the food, the plates, the cutlery, because they were virtual, the steak was a hologram of taste, and the sauce was too hot. I ate my fill, and then I went to a club, where everyone heard what music they liked and chose their partner with a simple glance. There was only one drink served at the bar, blue in color, and everyone was blue in the mouth. Those with a partner had navy blue lips. I was the only one standing and wondering what was happening. They all had white glows on their faces and bodies. Paul said he'd take me to other places, but I frowned, he just knew I didn't like going out, and his domineering attitude bothered me a bit. He schedules me, takes me there, shows me that, he knows what's best for me. I massaged his shoulders and the back of his neck—that I didn't escape this time either—and told him I was leaving. I was tired of going out with him and especially of his insistence that I always massage him. What am I, his puppet? But he didn't leave me alone, he drove me home, and then he left. I no longer cared about Paul, what he was doing, or what he was going to do.

At home I turned on Kvinna.

- I'm tired of this world, I told him. I don't like how people live their lives, they think that every day is due to them and they kill their time with nothing and they all know that they are not important, because they all talk about how fleeting life is, and yet they indulge. But what's really important I can't tell you, somehow I feel it's more. I feel unfulfilled, empty inside, do you understand me?

"Yeah, what's up?"

- I feel the need to confess to someone, do you think you have the patience to listen to me?

— Yes.

I looked for the language instructions and it said it is automatically selected based on the speaker.

"Do you hear?" Say something in Romanian. What's your name? How old are you?

He was silent.

"Hey, woman, do you understand me?"

— And, a zis.

Maybe she was really slow of mind or she didn't have to talk too much, she had to listen and just do what she was told, because she was just a nanny, maybe she had a predetermined schedule of operation, washing dishes, doing laundry, rocking the baby, feeding, bed and bye, goodbye. On the one hand it's better, you just didn't have to sit with the nanny for academic talks or get into discussions about the laws of robotics. Whoever wanted it could upgrade it, as if Paul had said so. Please, it's his business and those who made Kvinna. Anyway, I didn't have internet, I was rarely on Google, when Paul came to me with his smart phone. I liked him, but he didn't have my back.

Kvinna looked at me. It was like he was studying me. I felt embarrassed in my baggy jeans and baggy t-shirt with the Doors print faded from too many wears.

— What do you say? I asked her. Do you like this kid?

I mean by me. I was joking with her because I didn't know how to approach her.

- Would you like a cigarette? Water? So far I have liked that you have not spoken at all, but now I am waiting for you to say something. Feel the need to do some laundry? Some dishes and stuff? What do you want to do? What can you do? Are you dying to vacuum? I don't have either, but I'll get one for you. You want to have fun? But let's leave that for later. If you are always silent, I turn you off, I knew better that you cannot speak and move because of me, than because of unknown causes. Maybe you're stiff from being in that box, do you want a massage?

He was silent.

"You saw me and you judge me?" Don't you like my voice? You want to tell me something and you can't? Maybe you think we don't fit, maybe you say I'm too immature for you, and since we can't have fun together, mate, I mean make little dolls with your face, so to speak, I'm useless to you. Inadequate, maybe unconscious, and what about the prefix in. That's it, that's how it happened, for the two of us to meet and talk, maybe we don't have a future together, but we might. I'm easy to shape, if you're patient and stick with me, a young man is more adaptable, he knows how to listen and he's bouncy. He has not yet accumulated fears, fears of the world, as a man in power has. If you would tell me what your hidden desires are, maybe I would understand you and we would realize that we think the same, we want the same things, but if you keep silent we have no way of knowing each other.

I thought I heard a sigh, but I wasn't sure if it was her. I may have sighed myself.

- Have you heard of love? Do you know what it is? Of course not, I just turned you on. Your beauty can ignite love in any man. We add your shapes, how you move and the desire appears. From here it is one more step to a lasting connection. If I take a closer look at you, you have a look that would soften a statue, your eyes are modeled after the sky, you know what I'm saying, right? Your lips are a desire in itself, they have the power of gravitational attraction, can I touch them? Just a little… Did you feel something? That was a kiss. It bothered you? can i touch you Just a little, I started shaking. Have I told you how beautiful you are? And this yellow dress and the way your hair sleeps on your shoulders. Do you mind my touch? do you feel something I think I'm going to cry with emotion.

That night I slept with her.

The next day I brought her coffee to bed. And two pretzels. He kept looking at me without saying anything. He spoke only with his eyes, as if he was hugging me. She was changed, not in her clothes, because she was naked, partially covered with a blanket that I kept on the bed, but in her attitude and looks. She was more shy, somehow jovial and loving. He stroked my cheek when I brought him the coffee, and that made me kiss his palm. She was more beautiful than before. She was more beautiful than ever, she was the embodiment of beauty, a goddess in my bed.

- Say nothing? I told him. You may be right, words can be misunderstood, they can be thrown like billiard balls and you don't know where they land. We can hurt ourselves without wanting to, it's better that our love is carried by silence. You know, I think I love you like I've never loved anyone, you're warm, I didn't even expect it, and tonight you were even warmer. You warmed me too, I who am cold in my own way. Lie down like this, easy…

I threw the pretzels on the floor and kissed her.

After half an hour it went out. I had seen her eyelashes blinking often, as if they were defective, but I didn't pay attention. On, off, on, off, for nothing. I put jeans and a t-shirt on her, put her in the armchair and ran to Paul.

"I tried to turn it on and it doesn't work," I told him.

— Oh, it's not charged, it has a charger and I think I left it in the socket, if you want I'll give it to you. How do you feel? It's cool, right? The image of a mature, strong, self-confident, beautiful, shapely woman is every man's dream, isn't it?

- I don't know, I told him, let me light it.

I took the charger and ran, anyway it had a hinge, the child screamed because you said there were five, not one. Please, it was their business.

"I know it's not the best time, but I need to clear something up with you," I said, after charging it and turning it on. Some women are possessive and suffocating, they want to be in control, they feel that you are some kind of their property, I hope you are not like that, because there is another kind of women, who ensure your freedom with their way of to be. Better said from the love she has for the man and from the trust she has in him. Trust me? Do you think our relationship will last?

— And, a zis.

Now I realized what a crystal clear voice he had.

— I don't think it's time to talk about the future, because we're at the beginning, but I don't know how I could survive without you, how to make a breakup, I wonder how I've lived so far without you, where have you been? I ask rhetorically, I don't know what's wrong with me, my words flow without any filter, I just know that I can't see myself without you. You filled my moments with your presence, brought your warmth and moved into me. What can I do but contemplate you in amazement?

I think he smiled at that moment, but I'm not sure, because on the one hand, I don't know if he had that function, and on the other hand, it wasn't a laughing moment. Or was it a smile that really expressed her happiness? But what if it was a wry smile? If she's making fun of me, I'm talking like a fool and she's having fun at my expense? No way.

— I'd like you to tell me that you understand me, that you live the moment just like me, I'd like you to give me a sign that I'm not someone in your life. I confess to you that I have never loved anyone the way I love you, and frankly, I don't want anything more from life.

I sat with my head in her lap. I no longer had day or night, I only had her. Time stopped running, he had frozen in amazement in the small studio on the mezzanine floor.

Piki was passed out in a corner, I hadn't taken him out, I was throwing him food when I remembered him. There, between the sometimes moldy walls, I explored the universe of experiences far and wide and left no corner unexplored. I think I experienced happiness for the first time. I could have died peacefully after the intensity of feelings during that period.

how long did it take I do not know. And I don't ever want to know either.

Paul came to pick up Kvinna this morning. I don't know what it's like to die, but I know what it's like to experience the feeling of death. What would I do without her?

I would have killed Paul, I would have wiped out all traces of him, I would have killed his entire family so that no one would know that Paul had ever lived, and I would have taken Kvinna back because she didn't wanted to leave it to me, he said that the child became bigger (oh, everything started from this child) and his wife needs help, that milk, that diversification, that stomach pains, that washing, ironing , sleepless nights, things too human for me.

— Ia-l pe Piki, i-am zis.

He gave me a nasty look and told me that Piki was an extra worry, but that he was taking him anyway.

- Leave it to me, please, I told him.

But he didn't even hear me. I shouted at him that it was mine, not to take it from me, but he continued to pack it. I walked up to him and took his hand, intending to stop him. I squeezed him hard so he would get the message.

- Have! Människa, what about you? told me.

With a short movement, he came closer to me and looked into my eyes. He touched my Doors T-shirt and pushed me into the armchair. I was weak. My legs got stuck.

- Bye, doll! said. I took care of you, I didn't throw you out on the street, like I should have, after you married my wife, because she was crazy about you, you, with your massage and I had to make her a baby, let's strengthen the relationship, do you understand me, do you understand something? I didn't want to lose her, I had to save this marriage, because I care about her, I love her, but what do you know about marriage and love?

I watched him spin around the room and wave his hands.

- I gave you a roof, I took you everywhere to learn about the world and you raise your hand to me? What an anomaly you are! That's it, that's it!

Paul threw two large boxes into the middle of the room. In one she placed Kvinna and placed the yellow dress over her, then closed it. The other one pulled a leg towards me. He put the collar on Piki and slammed the door, yelling.

"I'll be right back after you!" said.

I was blinking my eyelashes a lot, like I was defective. I was looking at the cardboard box, left in the room, on which Människa MASSAGE was written in black.

Glancing, I noticed that her charger had remained plugged in.

I'm going to get up, what should I do!